Y’all OK? I’m not. I hope to be some day, but apparently, today is not that day. Most days, I put out a really good presentation of being OK and most of those days, I can convince myself that I am. I have to presume that out of those days, there is a good percentage of time when I actually am OK.
This has been a hard year. I had so many hard months and years before I met Eric. I had two divorces from the same person. I was a single mother who worked multiple jobs and had very little in terms of resources. Both of my parents and all four grandparents have died. I was raised in complete poverty, so not much beyond ongoing struggle there either. Eric and I had some extreme hardships while we raised our family and I stood on the edge of the abyss circling the drain many times during those years. I can identify 2009 as one of the worst years I have ever experienced.
Of course, 2021 was a hard year because of the fire. The end of 2021 and the first half of 2022 were hard because of cancer scares and the procedures and surgeries to deal with that. That was also the year we took a giant leap of faith and closed the store to spend more time healing and finding out who we are with no kids living at home and without the stresses of work. After that, we also had to figure out how to manage the time and labor distribution of a business that migrated completely to online status. That also included figuring out any way to remain relevant without a storefront, festival, or convention presence.
We were on a great flow until this year and almost immediately, trauma after trauma kicked in. I think July and August were the worst months with an amazing cascade of horrible falling from every which direction. I got to that completely counterproductive place of waking up and thinking, “What fresh hell will come today?”
This month, I have encountered a curtain call of past hurts and traumas, all lining up to take another punch before they go back into the locked chest in my brain. “You thought this was done and healed, but let me hurt you one or two or three more times before I go back to sleep and dream about the ways I am going to hurt you when I wake up again because you did not kill off the trauma and pain like you thought. You just punched back so hard that it was knocked out for a while.”
I have so much to be grateful for and none of that escapes me. I have friends who care about me. I have a strong, committed, long-term relationship with my spouse. I have the love, dedication, and connectedness with 2/3 of my kids that I wish I had with all of my kids, but such is life. I have an amazing home that I love that is my sanctuary from the world. If I have to work at all, the work I do is something I love doing.
Today, I woke up feeling the weight of imbalance in my energy levels regarding most - yes, most - situations in my life. I have dealt with varying levels of depression all through my life and I know it works in cycles and that my brain is wired in an abnormal way that causes me to go through dark times when, to most people’s perspective, there is no reasonable external cause for the depression. I do get that this is just one of those times and that the sun of my life will come out again and I will feel connected and sacred and lucid once more. Right now, I feel scared and sad and helpless. Of course, there is no option but to keep walking and continue on until my time comes to no longer be here, one way or another.
I want to clearly state that I have no suicidal ideation or thoughts of self-harm. This is not that kind of depression, but I can easily see how it could lead there if I completely give into it.
The imbalance comes with the audit of the energy I put into a person or situation versus what I get out of it. Mind you, I do not invest energy into something or someone because I expect to get x, y, and z in return. I am not a quid pro quo kind of person and I do not keep score, which I think is part of the problem. I get to a place where the imbalance in giving and receiving is so extreme that I can’t get my breath and have to fall down for a while and realize where my energy is bleeding out into a black hole.
There is probably an excellent metaphoric reason for why I struggle with Meniere’s Disease on an ongoing basis, which involves a lot of vertigo. Imbalance, imbalance, imbalance.
I need to stop investing energy into people who clearly do not want me in their lives. I do that too much because they are family or friends that I care about deeply, so I keep trying to make things right, to at last say the magical combination of words that gets them to care or invest more in me. Then I get offended and hurt that they don’t care or invest more in me. That they don’t want the relationship when I do. That inevitably turns into feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I wish I was the person who could say, “Meh, whatever,” and let people feel what they feel and want or not want what they do or don’t want. Rejection always feels personal to me and in 63 years, I have not been able to reprogram that reaction. Intellectually, I understand, but the emotional response leaves me feeling like I don’t have enough air in my body.
It isn’t just people. It’s situations. I can’t count on two hands how many jobs and projects and labors of love I have poured immense energy into only to have it ultimately not matter. When I finally realize that what I am working towards is a net negative, I do the reasonable thing: I invest even more energy and more energy and more energy into it trying to make things better. I can sure beat the hell out of a dead horse.
This is not about a martyr’s whine, though I could see how it could easily be painted as such. This is about a very tired woman’s lament.
So what does one do in this situation? Yes, the inclination is to double down on energy investment, but instead, I think I need to pare down and draw back. I need to completely release the people I chase for tidbits of attention or affection or acceptance and be fully present for the people in my life who actually give that. I need to stop doing anything that is not showing me a positive return in some way. The answers to imbalance are to amp up more energy or to eliminate energy drains and I just don’t have any more energy to give.
One of the things I have to release is my intense attachment to the upcoming election. It is a very personal and passionate obsession of mine right now and I spend a huge amount of time pouring over information. It is so bizarre to me to see that half of the country truly sees the other half as a clear and present danger to all America stands for and to their own personal safety. And it isn’t just disagreeing. It is about vitriolic hatred that is palpable every time I go online or leave my house. It is exhausting and so demoralizing to think that half the country feels like I am completely full of shit for my perception of what is happening in the US.
I want to scream, “Why can you not see this?? Why do you not care deeply about this? This is not a difficult leap!” But of course, that does nothing and just the fact that reading this paragraph and the one above it does not give you any insight as to whether I vote red or blue is the part of the problem that makes me the most frightened and sad.
I understand about confirmation bias and know that I will be immediately comforted when someone agrees with my beliefs, but I do seek out opposing opinions and try to open my mind to them. Instead, I end up staring blankly at the person, amazed that anyone - much less someone I considered intelligent and compassionate - could not only believe what they are saying, but can actually say it out loud and with such passion. I can’t unknow that about them now.
I will vote. I will ride out the wave of the weeks or months after November 5th when we do not know what the outcome will be. I will fervently pray that no one gets hurt or killed. I will hope that I can somehow feel safe no matter who wins. For now, it all just gives me a headache and makes me not want to be here.
In just a day (today), I went from caring so much to not wanting to hear one more thing about it. Just like chasing those imbalanced relationships, I can’t continue to pursue even one more discussion where I have to defend what I believe or know to be true. There are two very different but parallel lives going on in this nation and one seems to have zero relation to the other. The dichotomy of that perplexes, saddens, and exhausts me.
We once had a war over whether or not it was reasonable and moral to own and sell other people. Granted, much of that war was about banking, but slavery was certainly one of the primary components of the war. Germany had a war where millions of people believed it was reasonable and moral to starve, torture, and then exterminate millions of other people. I find it hard to live in a world where those thoughts even exist. The current political climate does not feel much different to me than that.
Also, Amazon keeps sending me emails saying they found something I might like and then it’s not something I like. Most depressing.
So as of today, I quit. I surrender. I release. I am tired of trying to be any kind of influence in the world. I can’t keep making up for the imbalances by patching up my energy stream with food and social media. (If not that, then what?) It all feels very raw right now, but I am sure I will rebound. I always do. I will convince myself it was the depression talking and move on. For now, today is rough. I am only posting this in case someone else feels this way. You are not alone.
“We’re tapping into ancestral wisdom to help us shed old layers and propel us into the timeline we've been diligently working towards. The energy is palpable, and the universe is offering an extra dose of support to navigate this potent time. Tensions are rising and we’re here with another reminder to take care of your nervous system! While things remain uncertain, the astrology suggests that the coming weeks will be marked by heightened activity and dynamic shifts — so consider this your warning to stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready.” From the mailing list of https://cosmicrx.com/
I deeply hope this is true. Because I don’t feel ready and the train is likely not even going to feel me when it barrels over me because that is surely one big-ass, fast moving train.
